I will try and post another confession here.
As my previous story, I want to try and put something into words, about my thoughts and feelings.
Right now I am on holiday with my family, I can off course focus on them and be present in the moment.
But a little part of me is always thinking about what, this very special woman that I have met in the chat is doing? When is my next chance to write her? See her? Or even hear her!
A few nights ago, I got the chance to talk to her, I took the opportunity immediately! I enjoyed every second talking with her! Not because the conversation was sexually. But because it was so stimulating. We are a lot a like! Share interests and will almost be able to finish up a sentence for each other. Her intellect sparks me! For me intelligence is such a huge turn on, probably because I have always hoped, someone would feel like that about me!
Now to the serious part! She scares me! My own thoughts scares me, because talking to her I feel so empowered! Being without her I feel powerless, vulnerable, especially to my own jealousy! And this is exactly why she scares me, but also why I am not sure if I can ever stop our relationship. Once she hurt me, I felt something I never thought I would feel again! A sort of teenage heartbreak sensation, where she had me play with her while slowly being lured into sex with another man, her conversation towards me died and I felt so alone that night! The next day when she revealed it, I was broken, she assured me that it was a mistake, but I felt used, like a tool that had pushed her into the arms of another man.
For a few days I was devastated, didn’t know what to do, if I wanted to end my relationship with her, but I had already built such deep feelings and desire for her. I couldn’t resist her, I tried, but writing with her a few days later, it all came back, the warm sensation from her messages and the sparkling conversations, her getting me to feel like the man I have wished to feel like for years, attractive, intelligent, desirable! It is such a cliche, but something my younger self has always envied my friends, when going out and talking to women.
Sometimes I imagine my life, meeting her before my current life started, would things have been different? Would we fit the same?
I do think that our lives have made us more compatible, and more an image of each others than years ago.
But this is why she scares me, because I cannot resist her! That I always fear that she will loose interest, find someone else, someone that can fulfill her dreams, complete her life, but also who doesn’t have this downside that I feel my jealousy is! Because on one side I want her so bad!!! And on the other side I don’t wish to destroy my family.
And I know that if she would meet someone and end things, I would be absolutely heartbroken, I would miss her deeply, I would cry and I would feel like I lost a truly special person, and someone that found a huge place in my heart. Although all of the above, so we are always struggling with mixed and conflicting confused emotions! Yet we both know they are there somewhere!
I am currently on holiday, missing her texting me and being able to text her back every single day! But sometimes seeing a picture from her, sparks me, lights me up. Or just a message hearing about her day!
Although having to be careful on my holiday, also makes me feel that I am not giving her the attention she deserves from me. But I hope I will soon have that opportunity again.
A large trail of thoughts written down. Getting them off my chest. Do have a lot more. So enjoy the read
As my previous story, I want to try and put something into words, about my thoughts and feelings.
Right now I am on holiday with my family, I can off course focus on them and be present in the moment.
But a little part of me is always thinking about what, this very special woman that I have met in the chat is doing? When is my next chance to write her? See her? Or even hear her!
A few nights ago, I got the chance to talk to her, I took the opportunity immediately! I enjoyed every second talking with her! Not because the conversation was sexually. But because it was so stimulating. We are a lot a like! Share interests and will almost be able to finish up a sentence for each other. Her intellect sparks me! For me intelligence is such a huge turn on, probably because I have always hoped, someone would feel like that about me!
Now to the serious part! She scares me! My own thoughts scares me, because talking to her I feel so empowered! Being without her I feel powerless, vulnerable, especially to my own jealousy! And this is exactly why she scares me, but also why I am not sure if I can ever stop our relationship. Once she hurt me, I felt something I never thought I would feel again! A sort of teenage heartbreak sensation, where she had me play with her while slowly being lured into sex with another man, her conversation towards me died and I felt so alone that night! The next day when she revealed it, I was broken, she assured me that it was a mistake, but I felt used, like a tool that had pushed her into the arms of another man.
For a few days I was devastated, didn’t know what to do, if I wanted to end my relationship with her, but I had already built such deep feelings and desire for her. I couldn’t resist her, I tried, but writing with her a few days later, it all came back, the warm sensation from her messages and the sparkling conversations, her getting me to feel like the man I have wished to feel like for years, attractive, intelligent, desirable! It is such a cliche, but something my younger self has always envied my friends, when going out and talking to women.
Sometimes I imagine my life, meeting her before my current life started, would things have been different? Would we fit the same?
I do think that our lives have made us more compatible, and more an image of each others than years ago.
But this is why she scares me, because I cannot resist her! That I always fear that she will loose interest, find someone else, someone that can fulfill her dreams, complete her life, but also who doesn’t have this downside that I feel my jealousy is! Because on one side I want her so bad!!! And on the other side I don’t wish to destroy my family.
And I know that if she would meet someone and end things, I would be absolutely heartbroken, I would miss her deeply, I would cry and I would feel like I lost a truly special person, and someone that found a huge place in my heart. Although all of the above, so we are always struggling with mixed and conflicting confused emotions! Yet we both know they are there somewhere!
I am currently on holiday, missing her texting me and being able to text her back every single day! But sometimes seeing a picture from her, sparks me, lights me up. Or just a message hearing about her day!
Although having to be careful on my holiday, also makes me feel that I am not giving her the attention she deserves from me. But I hope I will soon have that opportunity again.
A large trail of thoughts written down. Getting them off my chest. Do have a lot more. So enjoy the read
