I know that there isn't a vent subform or anything like that and I'm assuming nobody wants my icky emotional bullshit on their website so I'll delete this post if I'm told to.
TW: Mentions of abuse and sexual trauma... that I won't be going too deep into because 1. I don't know if the mods would even allow in depth discussion of such an edgy topic and 2. There are some degenerates on this site who would probably have smt gross or disrespectful to say.
My everyday life is already heavily affected by my mental health and trauma enough, I have a hard time daily because of it and even find myself disabled occasionally by it. Sometimes I get depressed enough that I stop eating, that I oversleep, that I avoid work, That I avoid taking care of myself, etc.
Anger issues and other such abnormal behaviors also are an issue in my life because of my trauma. Sometimes I'll get so angry that I end up going several hours without eating or sleeping. Sometimes due to the anger, I don't even sleep at all, I stay up at night just thinking about the bad memories and how angry they make me.
I told my therapist about this and I've started seeking treatment for my anger issues so that way I can find ways to better gain control of my emotions, or atleast handle them. And I'm excited that I'm currently receiving treatment for my issues and have started seeing a psychologist and such recently, but I honestly don't even know if I feel all the way comfortable with my therapist.
I would talk to her about my sexual trauma and things that my abusers have done to me in my life that made me feel uncomfortable, filthy, embarrassed and ashamed but it feels so intimate and disgusting and I doubt she'd even want to hear about that stuff. I told her about something that someone did to me as a child to which I saw her write down on a clipboard but she didn't seem all that comfortable with hearing it. (even though she asked) there's so much more that people did to me but I don't think I feel comfortable telling her about stuff as gross as that. It's hard to even try and talk about it because I can't just walk in, sit down and then just ask "Hey, can I tell you about the time that I was [insert something grotesque and uncomfortable]"
How the hell do you even break the ice for such a dark conversation topic?... Whenever I just go straight to the point, and just casually say something dark or morbid out of nowhere without thinking too hard about it or stuttering, she always has that subtle, shocked or disturbed reaction, like a "goodness..." under her breath, or her eyes going wide for a few seconds.
I would talk to her about the hypersexuality I've developed during 2021 and how much it's had a negative affect on my mental health if I could. I'm not hurting anyone or myself but I feel like it's still very negatively affecting me regardless. I feel like she'd just be disgusted or disappointed to hear it. Especially coming from someone as young as me. I can feel through her tone and the way she talks to me that she sees me as a child, not that I can blame her, eighteen is a child to most older folks. I doubt she'd want to hear me talking about all that.
She's asked me before if I'm sexually active and I told her no, but I do sext. She tried to ask me more about it but I felt like she didn't wanna hear about the fact that I sext 20 people a week, often total strangers, and often not even because I'm into it. I just lied and told her that I'm sexting two people, one IRL friend my age, and another guy who I didn't mention was literally 30.
I would talk about it with the 30 year old since he's mature, but I doubt he would want to hear about it. Whenever I mention my abuse to him, he would get quiet or just say that he's sorry for me. I've never gone into detail about some of my sexual and abuse trauma because I feel like he wouldn't want to hear about it either. And even then, what could he possibly even tell me? What if he ends up disgusted and uncomforable from hearing it?? He seems to have not experienced as much hardship the same as me in his life, so would he even understand? Would he even be able to help me in any sort of way? He says he's there for me, but how much of that can I trust? I'm so edgy so often the poor man probably gets papercuts scrolling through my texts. I don't want to bother him, and what can I even expect to receive from him if I do REALLY open up?
TL;DR AND OVERALL ISSUE
I don't like talking directly to strangers in private little dms about what happened to me, it feels stupid.
I don't know how to talk to my therapist about these issues, or if I even should.
I don't know if I should even talk to my cyber boyfriend about such issues.
I would post it on the internet somewhere but where the fuck do I even post that?
I feel angry and depressed and have unhealthy lifestyle choices as a result of my abuse, and I feel dirty and disgusting about my more TMI trauma even though it was years ago.
Fuck, I don't even know if I structured this post well. Likely not, it'll probably just be ignored or deleted. Sorry for this post being long and possibly not even allowed.
TW: Mentions of abuse and sexual trauma... that I won't be going too deep into because 1. I don't know if the mods would even allow in depth discussion of such an edgy topic and 2. There are some degenerates on this site who would probably have smt gross or disrespectful to say.
My everyday life is already heavily affected by my mental health and trauma enough, I have a hard time daily because of it and even find myself disabled occasionally by it. Sometimes I get depressed enough that I stop eating, that I oversleep, that I avoid work, That I avoid taking care of myself, etc.
Anger issues and other such abnormal behaviors also are an issue in my life because of my trauma. Sometimes I'll get so angry that I end up going several hours without eating or sleeping. Sometimes due to the anger, I don't even sleep at all, I stay up at night just thinking about the bad memories and how angry they make me.
I told my therapist about this and I've started seeking treatment for my anger issues so that way I can find ways to better gain control of my emotions, or atleast handle them. And I'm excited that I'm currently receiving treatment for my issues and have started seeing a psychologist and such recently, but I honestly don't even know if I feel all the way comfortable with my therapist.
I would talk to her about my sexual trauma and things that my abusers have done to me in my life that made me feel uncomfortable, filthy, embarrassed and ashamed but it feels so intimate and disgusting and I doubt she'd even want to hear about that stuff. I told her about something that someone did to me as a child to which I saw her write down on a clipboard but she didn't seem all that comfortable with hearing it. (even though she asked) there's so much more that people did to me but I don't think I feel comfortable telling her about stuff as gross as that. It's hard to even try and talk about it because I can't just walk in, sit down and then just ask "Hey, can I tell you about the time that I was [insert something grotesque and uncomfortable]"
How the hell do you even break the ice for such a dark conversation topic?... Whenever I just go straight to the point, and just casually say something dark or morbid out of nowhere without thinking too hard about it or stuttering, she always has that subtle, shocked or disturbed reaction, like a "goodness..." under her breath, or her eyes going wide for a few seconds.
I would talk to her about the hypersexuality I've developed during 2021 and how much it's had a negative affect on my mental health if I could. I'm not hurting anyone or myself but I feel like it's still very negatively affecting me regardless. I feel like she'd just be disgusted or disappointed to hear it. Especially coming from someone as young as me. I can feel through her tone and the way she talks to me that she sees me as a child, not that I can blame her, eighteen is a child to most older folks. I doubt she'd want to hear me talking about all that.
She's asked me before if I'm sexually active and I told her no, but I do sext. She tried to ask me more about it but I felt like she didn't wanna hear about the fact that I sext 20 people a week, often total strangers, and often not even because I'm into it. I just lied and told her that I'm sexting two people, one IRL friend my age, and another guy who I didn't mention was literally 30.
I would talk about it with the 30 year old since he's mature, but I doubt he would want to hear about it. Whenever I mention my abuse to him, he would get quiet or just say that he's sorry for me. I've never gone into detail about some of my sexual and abuse trauma because I feel like he wouldn't want to hear about it either. And even then, what could he possibly even tell me? What if he ends up disgusted and uncomforable from hearing it?? He seems to have not experienced as much hardship the same as me in his life, so would he even understand? Would he even be able to help me in any sort of way? He says he's there for me, but how much of that can I trust? I'm so edgy so often the poor man probably gets papercuts scrolling through my texts. I don't want to bother him, and what can I even expect to receive from him if I do REALLY open up?
TL;DR AND OVERALL ISSUE
I don't like talking directly to strangers in private little dms about what happened to me, it feels stupid.
I don't know how to talk to my therapist about these issues, or if I even should.
I don't know if I should even talk to my cyber boyfriend about such issues.
I would post it on the internet somewhere but where the fuck do I even post that?
I feel angry and depressed and have unhealthy lifestyle choices as a result of my abuse, and I feel dirty and disgusting about my more TMI trauma even though it was years ago.
Fuck, I don't even know if I structured this post well. Likely not, it'll probably just be ignored or deleted. Sorry for this post being long and possibly not even allowed.
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xoxox
