INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest strength? ME: Probably avoiding tough questions. INT: Um, okay... and how is that a strength? ME: I love what you've done with your hair!
ME (if I were a doctor, probably): I can't find anything wrong with you, but I suspect the problem stems from heavy drinking. PATIENT: What? I don't even drink... ME: I was talking about me. I'm pretty fucked up right now, so if you could come back tomorrow we can try this shit again.
VETERINARIAN: Okay, says here that you made this appointment to discuss your dogs salivation? ME: No I'm not worried about that, I know that all dogs go to heaven. I'm here because she slobbers all the time.
MOB GUY (tying a cinder block to my feet): You bout to be sleepin with da fishes! ME: Lol, it's fish, not fishes, you dumbfuck. MOB GUY: Oh my god ... this ... THIS is why!
(during sex) HIM: You know what, this isn't working out. Just please leave. ME: What? Was it my sock puppets? They weren't laughing AT you, they were laughing WITH you. HIM: I WASN'T FUCKING LAUGHING!! ME: It's almost as if you wish I had just left Sockrates and Arisockle at home...
My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman, terrible surgeon.
A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island. After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford They build a lean-to and find some food and water. After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate. The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree. "What's the matter?" Cindy says: "Is there anything I can do?" "Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?" "A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it. "Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?" "Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right." "Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm shagging!"
