Jokes

FRIEND (calling me): I ran out of gas just outside town and need you to bring a gas can with gas in it to me ... Please??

ME: Do you have snacks in your car?

FRIEND: What? No, not at the....

ME: *hangs up*

 

"Emma Stone"

-An Italian guy telling you that he's high.

 

Good lord that's terrible - love it!

 

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef Stroganoff

 

"Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob."

-me, to literally anybody who tries to fist bump me

 

He has a great coffee mug collection. He's another, (his fave)



Ls x

 

Why do crabs never share?

Because they're shellfish

 

INTERVIEWER: It says here you have snail-like reflexes. Can you tell me what that means?

ME: (calling interviewer back 3 years later): Yes, I can tell you what that means...

 

Server: Sorry about your wait

Me: Did you just call me fat?

 

ME (walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for): No bitch, this doesn't mean you get to order before me.

 

This just happened to me. Opened door and let 2 old dears in to post officei ended up behind them as could not get pa with out rugby tackling them out of the way.

 

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

Oh what filthy minds you have people, sheesh

 

Cop "Turn around"
Me "every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"
Cop "TURN AROUND"
Me "every no......."
Gets tased

 

LMFAO! I love it!

 

Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

 

On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese!