Jokes
- Thread starter Mabal
- Start date
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
A woman goes to her hospital and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
Chinese husband files for divorce.
The Judge asks "what's the reason?" The husband replies "me no come, she no come, but Baby come, how come?
The Judge asks "what's the reason?" The husband replies "me no come, she no come, but Baby come, how come?
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
A man walks into a zoo in China. The only animal on show was a dog...
It was a Shih Tzu.
It was a Shih Tzu.
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
A really beautiful woman walks into her doctors, the Doctor asks “what can I do for you?”
She says “I think I’m turning into a man”
“Ok, what makes you think that?” asks the doctor.
“I’ve got some hair growing on my chest.”
So the doctor examines her chest and finds a bit of downy hair, “don’t worry too much about the downy hair, you hormones will change in a couple of months and it will fall out. Have you got hair anywhere else?
“Only round my balls” she said.
She says “I think I’m turning into a man”
“Ok, what makes you think that?” asks the doctor.
“I’ve got some hair growing on my chest.”
So the doctor examines her chest and finds a bit of downy hair, “don’t worry too much about the downy hair, you hormones will change in a couple of months and it will fall out. Have you got hair anywhere else?
“Only round my balls” she said.
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
A Guy comes home from the pub drunk as a sack, his wife says this has got to be the last time or I’m
Leaving you for good. He says sorry and agrees to stay sober.
Next day after work he thinks one pint won’t hurt, anyway 4 hours later he’s pissed and been sick
Down his clothes. Oh no he says she will leave me now. A guy next to him says look go home and say
You had a quick one and a drunk was sick over you, put £20 in your inside pocket and say he gave it
To you to have your clothes dry cleaned. So he goes home and his wife hits the roof !!! That’s it I have
Had enough !!! Hold on he says a drunk was sick over me,,And look he gave me £20 for dry cleaning.
She says Then why have you got two £20 notes. That’s from the bloke who shit my pants.
Leaving you for good. He says sorry and agrees to stay sober.
Next day after work he thinks one pint won’t hurt, anyway 4 hours later he’s pissed and been sick
Down his clothes. Oh no he says she will leave me now. A guy next to him says look go home and say
You had a quick one and a drunk was sick over you, put £20 in your inside pocket and say he gave it
To you to have your clothes dry cleaned. So he goes home and his wife hits the roof !!! That’s it I have
Had enough !!! Hold on he says a drunk was sick over me,,And look he gave me £20 for dry cleaning.
She says Then why have you got two £20 notes. That’s from the bloke who shit my pants.
TallulahBlue
Resident
CAREER COUNSELOR: Kacey, you just aren't cut out to be a mime.
ME: Well, shit. Was it something I said?
CC: Yes.
ME: Well, shit. Was it something I said?
CC: Yes.
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
TallulahBlue
Resident
ME (when I was 11): Dad, are we poor?
DAD: We are rich in love, sweetheart, and we are rich in laughter.
{pause}
ME: Okay. So we're poor.
DAD: Yeah girl, we poor as fuck...
DAD: We are rich in love, sweetheart, and we are rich in laughter.
{pause}
ME: Okay. So we're poor.
DAD: Yeah girl, we poor as fuck...
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, All of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his
name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.?
name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.?
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
Pmsl that was good.
Lack of staff!!
We must cut on expenses...
An old man was surprised by the nurse while playing with himself under the sheets.
The nurse told him: "Wait, I'm going to help you."
And she then proceeded giving him the ultimate gift.
The old man cannot believe his eyes
But why?
She replies: You know how much work we have here.
It takes less time to rinse my mouth than to change the sheets!
Sorry, I'm afraid I lost the address of this retirement home!
We must cut on expenses...
An old man was surprised by the nurse while playing with himself under the sheets.
The nurse told him: "Wait, I'm going to help you."
And she then proceeded giving him the ultimate gift.
The old man cannot believe his eyes
But why?
She replies: You know how much work we have here.
It takes less time to rinse my mouth than to change the sheets!
Sorry, I'm afraid I lost the address of this retirement home!
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
D
Deleted member 178467
Guest
TallulahBlue
Resident
"Ladies and gentlemen, this changes everything."
-The guy who invented the universal remote
-The guy who invented the universal remote
One last one for today...
There once was a really rich old oil and gas guy who amassed a fortune and lived in a huge house and had several luxury cars and race cars.
He also had a blonde hot trophy wife 25yrs younger than he with big tits, he would flaunt all over Calgary.
They had a chef, a gardener, a pool guy and a butler.
When the recession hit, the old man decided to cut back so he went to his sexy wife and said "Honey, we need to let go of the gardener, learn how to use a hose babe". The trophy wife replied, "are you kidding me?" rolling her eyes. "Thats not all" he said. "And we are going to have to let go of the chef and you are going to have to learn how to cook". "Wtf" she bulked. "As well as the butler, and you are going to have to learn how to clean". "Are you fucking kidding me?!" she cried out. "Oh and also the pool boy...". Now fuming, she replied "The pool boy?! Well then you'd better learn how to fuck better!!".
There once was a really rich old oil and gas guy who amassed a fortune and lived in a huge house and had several luxury cars and race cars.
He also had a blonde hot trophy wife 25yrs younger than he with big tits, he would flaunt all over Calgary.
They had a chef, a gardener, a pool guy and a butler.
When the recession hit, the old man decided to cut back so he went to his sexy wife and said "Honey, we need to let go of the gardener, learn how to use a hose babe". The trophy wife replied, "are you kidding me?" rolling her eyes. "Thats not all" he said. "And we are going to have to let go of the chef and you are going to have to learn how to cook". "Wtf" she bulked. "As well as the butler, and you are going to have to learn how to clean". "Are you fucking kidding me?!" she cried out. "Oh and also the pool boy...". Now fuming, she replied "The pool boy?! Well then you'd better learn how to fuck better!!".
TallulahBlue
Resident
"I don't know what to fucking tell you, except that there is a Dunkin' Donuts next door and it always makes me feel better."
-Me, if I were a therapist
-Me, if I were a therapist
HOPE YOU GET THE GIGGLES TOO... 
TallulahBlue
Resident
"Okay everybody, here is the plan, so listen carefully: we are going to put about 30 checkout lanes at the front of every store. But you are only allowed to have 1 or 2 of them open at a time. Got it?"
-Walmart executives, apparently
-Walmart executives, apparently