Jokes

[TallulahBlue]

INTERVIEWER: I'm confused. You are applying for the position of gynecologist?

ME: Yes I am.

INT: But you've never been to medical school. You are not an M.D.

ME: That's okay, I won't call myself a doctor.

INT: What would you call yourself?

ME: A privates investigator *giggles*

INT: *calls security*

*the jokes police show up and cart me off*

 

[jayamal]

The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

 

[jayamal]

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

 

[jayamal]

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

 

[Deleted member 178467]

 

[Deleted member 178467]

 

[jayamal]

 

[jayamal]

 

[jayamal]

 

[jayamal]

 

[TallulahBlue]

BOSS: So, I heard your new business cards are in.

ME: Yes they are and I'm so excited!

B: Well let me see how they turned out!

M: They turned out perfectly!

*hands her one*



B: Okay I think we might need to have a talk.

M: And I think you might need to read the card again.

 

[TallulahBlue]

ME (babysitting): Sorry, but it's naptime now.

KID: But I don't wanna take a nap!!

ME: First off, don't talk back to me, you little shitpiglet. And second, I meant my naptime now. Go somewhere else.

 

[TallulahBlue]

ME (trying to flirt): *flips hair* Hey big boy, I see you checking me out!

HIM: Um, that's because I'm the cashier and you brought your groceries to my line.

M: *flips hair back the other way* Still, you're checking me out, aren't you?!

H: That's literally my job.

M: *flips hair to the front and accidentally into my mouth*

H:

M (leaning in and whispering): I'm a bad girl!

*opens chips before he scans them*

 

[SexyAsianBitch]

the difference between man and woman is what comes to mind when you hear the word "facial"

 

[SexyAsianBitch]

my girlfriend is the square root of -100 a perfect 10 but imaginary

 

[SexyAsianBitch]

if i spank Dwayne Johnson, does that mean I hit rock bottom?

 

[SexyAsianBitch]

did you hear about the surgeon who fucked up the vasectomy? he got the sack

 

[SexyAsianBitch]

when the police are arresting a clinically insane person, are the busting a nut?

 

[jayamal]

If all men are the same, then why does it take a women so long to choose.

 

[jayamal]

H.U.S.B.A.N.D. = He Understands situations better and never disappears.