Jokes

(me, making my boxing debut)

RING ANNOUNCER (into mic): LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN THE WHITE TRUNKS, ER UM RED TRUNKS. AND BROWN AND ORANGE *puts hand over mic* what the hell color are your trunks?

ME (whispering): They were white. But I spilled wine on them and my M&M's melted.

RA (into mic): ...IN THE MULTI-COLORED TRUNKS, IS THE CHALLENGER - FROM BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA - STANDING FIVE FEET THREE INCHES TALL AND WEIGHING IN AT ONE HUN......

ME: *rips mic out of his hand and hits him over the head with it* Don't you motherfuckin dare finish that sentence.
 
So the Teacher rounds up the English lesson asking for a sentence using the word ‘fascinate’. Well of course Johnnies hand goes straight up. Teacher ignores him, she been caught out by him to often.
No one manages a sentence using the word correctly.
Finally resigned to fate, Teacher says "come on Johnny what’s your sentence?"
"Well Miss, my Aunties cardigan has nine buttons. But she says cos her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
 
During the days of the RAJ i.e the British rule in India, the lady wife of senior British official was posted for her first ever visit to join her husband in India.This lady not having ever been outside Britain had never seen an elephant in her life.
One day a stray wild elephant strolled into the back garden of their official's residence.
Seeing such a huge animal for the very first time, the lady panicked and rang the Police stating that a huge black beast was in their vegetable garden and was pulling out their carrots with his tail and eating them.
The confused police officer screamed back and asked "Madam are you sure the beast was pulling out the carrots with his tail and if so where do you think he is putting them before eating them?"
Replied the lady "Officer I am too embarrassed to tell you where he is putting them"
 
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
 
The other day, I was having sex with this married woman, when her husband came home early.
She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.
On reflection, I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that...
 
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