Jokes
- Thread starter Mabal
- Start date
Seth was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy" he said to her "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Ls x
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy" he said to her "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Ls x
This guy was telling me at the pub about his ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" I said "Go on then... try".
After about thirty seconds of fondling I began to lose patience and said "Come on, what day was I born?"
He said said "Yesterday".
Ls x
"Really" I said "Go on then... try".
After about thirty seconds of fondling I began to lose patience and said "Come on, what day was I born?"
He said said "Yesterday".
Ls x
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
The social worker raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social worker then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills".
Then the social worker expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny will be a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet".
The social worker was finally satisfied and asked "What age of child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter... as long as the kid fits in the cannon".
Ls x
The social worker raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social worker then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills".
Then the social worker expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny will be a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet".
The social worker was finally satisfied and asked "What age of child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter... as long as the kid fits in the cannon".
Ls x
L
lucky_luke
Guest
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to
live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to
live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
This is awesome!
lol first one i seen and yes i lol'd real time
An extremely obese man with severe stomach pains goes to see a doctor. He can hardly stand, the pain is so bad. After an examination, the doctor is holding the x-rays and asks, "Did you at one time swallow a bullet?" The man answers, "Swallow a bullet? Of course not!" The doctor replies, "Well then, I'm afraid you've been shot!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a Mexican prison. They committed a crime and have been sentenced to death. The women are instructed to say when they are ready for the firing squad to shoot and kill them. The brunette is called up. She says, "Ready, aim, tornado!" Afraid of an approaching funnel cloud, the police quickly turn around and the brunette runs away. Once regrouped, the redhead is summoned. She says, "Ready, aim, earthquake!" Fooled again, the police quickly turn around to get cover while the redhead runs away. Then it's the blonde's turn, who says, "Ready, aim, fire!"
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.
Yo momma is so hairy, when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said, "IT'S CHEWBACCA!"
Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.
Yo momma is so hairy, when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said, "IT'S CHEWBACCA!"
L
lucky_luke
Guest
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled.
“How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks,
“OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands.
The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
“How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks,
“OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands.
The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”