Jokes

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner "Okay, I want to buy a pet, but something special, something different". The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"

he owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50 dollars. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

After getting home, he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?" Again the centipede says nothing.

arting to get suspicious, the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"

The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting fucking my shoes on!"

Ls x
 
Three contractors bid on repair to the fence at Parliament house. One is from Adelaide, another is from Sydney, and the third is from Brisbane. All three go with a parliamentary official to examine the fence.

The Adelaide contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well" he says "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me".

The Sydney contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me".

The Brisbane contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers "$27,000".

The official, incredulous, says "You didn't even measure like the other guys!! How did you come up with such a high figure??"

The Brisbane contractor whispers back "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Sydney to fix the fence!"

"Done!" replies the government official.

Ls x
 
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”

“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.”

Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back.

“For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
 
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
 
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
 
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
 
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady,

"Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman,

"Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice,

"Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife,

"Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks,

"Do you have a Vagina?"

"Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies,

"Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
 
Two work mates are talking during their lunch break.
Bill: I think I'll have to stop doing after work drinks.
Ben: Why is that mate. It's a stressful job. You need some unwinding time before heading home.
Bill: Heading home is the problem, Bill.
Ben: Why's that?
Bill: Well, I cruise up quietly, open the door softly and try ti tip-toe upstairs to bed, but she hears me and is screaming at me 'where have you been? You've been drinking again, haven't you?' and she doesn't let up all night.
Ben: Well, there's your trouble, Bill.
Bill: Why's that? I'm just trying to be considerate to her.
Ben: I roar in the driveway, screech to a halt, slam the front door open then stomp up to the bedroom and never have a problem.
Bill: Doesn't that guarantee you'll cop it?
Ben: Nah, Bill. I kick the bedroom open and shout at the top of my voice, I'm home, I'm drunk and I'm horny woman.
Bill: OMG, she must go crazy if you do that
Ben: Not at all, she just lies there and pretends to be asleep. Works every time.

Ls x
 
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks,

"Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."

"What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."

"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"

"Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the El Comandante and the Vice El Comandante and they gave you the job."

"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?"

"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become El Comandante of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"
 
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
 
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