Jokes

Two old ladies are having a cigarette outside the old folks home and it starts to rain. One of them suddenly pulls a condom out of her handbag, unravels it and puts it over the cigarette so it doesn"t get wet.
"Ooh, what"s that, Susan?" the other asks."It"s called a condom, they sell them at the chemist"s dear," she answers. So the other goes to the chemist"s and, when asked for a condom by such an elderly lady and seeing an opportunity for mirth, the young lad behind the counter smirks and asks, "So what would you like, a ribbed one, a French tickler, flavoured?"

"Oh, I don"t mind, dear, as long as it fits a Camel"
 
THERAPIST: Kacey, it seems that you often get yourself in trouble when you decide to be spontaneous. What is the last spontaneous thing you did that got you in big trouble?

ME: When my parents were out of town, I had all the floors in the house replaced with trampolines.

T: Wha...? And how did they react when they got home?

M: They went through the roof.
 
A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day, she asked Jimmy what his problem was. He replied, “I’m too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the fourth grade, and I’m smarter than her too.”
The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Jimmy a test. If he failed to answer one question, then he would have to go back to the second grade and be quiet. The teacher and Jimmy both agreed.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Jimmy: “9.”
Principal: “6 x 6?”
Jimmy: “36.”
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a fourth grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher “I see no reason why Jimmy can’t go to the fourth grade, he answered all of my questions right.”
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jimmy agree.
Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”
Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”
The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answerin gJimmy says, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Jimmy: “Pants.”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”
Jimmy: “Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Jimmy in the fourth grade. I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”
 
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